Moooooooooo...
Right now you must be thinking, “What do cows have to do with our Universe?”
Well, I would like to take this opportunity to introduce you to a phenomenon
commonly known as cattle mutilations. This is one of the more bizarre aspects
of alien culture, in which cattle and other animals have been found dead
with strange mutilations. Organs, especially genitals, have been removed
“with surgical precision” but no blood appears on the ground. These events
are often associated with reports of alien encounters and UFOs. The
possibility of Satanists has been considered as an alternative explanation
for many of the mutilations, as these groups of people are often responsible
for killing goats; however, there is not the surgical precision in their
murders that is seen in cattle mutilations. The most compelling sceptical
hypothesis that I have seen is that cattle farmers have been mutilating
already dead cattle by unusual methods and reporting UFO sightings in order
to receive insurance for their valuable cattle. This hypothesis is supported
by the following facts:
-
Cattle are very expensive (each is worth several thousand dollars).
-
Insurance doesn't cover “range death” due to natural causes (eg. a cattle
falling and killing themselves); however insurance does cover vandalism
(eg. a vandal shooting a cow).
-
Remarkably enough, a space alien killing a cow will be considered as vandalism
and covered by insurance - provided that a policeman will write the report
up this way.
-
Space aliens mutilating cows seem to respect police jurisdiction lines
(outside of which vandalism isn’t covered by insurance).
-
Relatively little blood leaks out of a dead cattle when it is cut or mutilated
(because the heart isn't pumping).
These facts are convincing, however there is insufficient evidence to prove,
beyond reasonable doubt, that this is the true explanation for the majority
of cases. But what motives could the extra-terrestrials possibly have to
mutilate cattle? After browsing the Internet I was able to find a few possible
candidates:
-
They need cow blood and glands for food and experiments (yummy).
-
They are harvesting enzymes and are working on a genetic engineering project
that will blend the Gray race (the aliens) with a Nordic race, so that
they will be able to interface with humans better.
-
They are altering cow DNA to create some sort of artificial life form.
The creators of Southpark have offered a slightly more plausible explanation
to this taxing question – it is that, in all their searching, the cows
were the most intelligent creatures that these alien vandals could find
on this pale blue dot we know as Earth.
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